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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my private and work life. It annoys my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in government studies, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that professional help might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a interpersonal focus with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or being seen, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This process will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.